For the last two months my sister-in-law, Ruth, has been leading a group on Self-worth. There are four girls in total (including me) and it was definitely appointed by God. I am trying to grow in maturity not just spiritually but naturally. Through this group I have realized how jacked up I am! Throughout this group the Lord has shown so much of my heart; but to keep it simple, this weeks meditation verse was Proverbs 16:3:
"Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed."Now, last Monday, when it was assigned, I wrote it on my mini dry erase board on the fridge. and I would wake up and read it and say it a few times in my head as I made breakfast for everyone. Well after like the third day I decided to overcome complacency and actually read and think a bit more on it, or meditate as some would say. And I thought what are my plans?...well, to be a better mom first of all, because I am second to worst! And be a better wife to, of course, be a pleasing fragrance to the Lord. I then concluded, to have my assignment completed (which is to mediate and write down what you got out of the verse), that I needed to commit to the Lord by doing little things throughout the day to fill my heart with spiritual things and feel as though I am doing something and those things will give me the energy to forgo the day...which is true in a sense. I just had it a bit twisted...my heart motive was to change but primarily to complete my assignment so I could tell Ruth I actually did my assignment, so that she could tell me, "Good job, Mari." and make myself feel like something is actually changing...but if I do that every time there won't be true growth it will just be temporary fulfillment and false humility! Well, the Lord sure is faithful even when we aren't! That same day I heard Holy Spirit say, "Your identity is not in your husband, your identity is not in your children, but your identity is in Me."....what was my first reaction, and as pathetic as this sounds, I thought..."Oooo that's good! I am writing that on my status...My identity is not in my husband, my identity is not in my children but my identity is in Him!"
Well, I didn't post it because I felt a little conviction telling me not to for only one reason, but I thought it was for a butt load of other reasons. Turns out, that it wasn't because other people couldn't "handle it" or even get offended and write stupid comments or because some would agree yet their actions and other statuses speak differently BUT because He was speaking to me! Well, after I felt conviction to not post what the Lord spoke to me but to instead "keep that to myself" for my "butt load of reasons", I remembered a verse I read the week before which is 1 Peter 5:2:
"Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God."
Lets just say that verse was made for me! My own resentment, regret, and bitterness has made my daily tasks seem like a punishment, not everyday (now) but I have my days and they are often. After reading Proverbs 16:3, I said that I would commit to serving God so that I would care for my family willingly not grudgingly, by leaning on him and laying it all before him and try to be honest and deal with what is in my heart, which that is part of it, but at the beginning of that day it would be just that and after breakfast that was out the window and as soon as Joel and I would argue about something or my plans for the day didn't go according to how I wanted it to, I would flip my lid on either Joel or Joel Jr. Well the problem here is not that I am crazy, but that my identity is found in everything but God...because although I want to serve God, my mindset is I do things for my husband or I do things for my kids and that is serving God. And it is but I think what the Lord was trying to tell me was that I can't do things to please my husband or for his acceptance and make things look good for others to see or even to do all that I can to make my kids into a mighty men and women of God or really, really smart so that I could be considered a great mom with the most amazing kids, but if that is my heart motive/motivation then all is loss. Also, that my focus when meditating on a verse or reading the word is not to be a better wife or mom but to be a better daughter, bride and lover of God. To find my identity in Him and not my identity as a wife or a mom because when I focus on my identity in Him those things will fall into place. My husband and kids are humans and often fail to meet my every desire but God does not and I need my focus to be solely on Him and who I am in Him as an individual, because at the end of the day I am first and foremost a child, daughter, and bride of God. How that for this weeks assignment?! LOL :)
"Your hands have made me and fashioned me; Give me understanding, that I may learn your commandments." Psalms 119:73
